Well guys, this is it. The blog I've been talking about starting for the past 3 years ( !? ) of my life is now legit (quick shout out to Sum for always being my hype girl and telling me I need to be a motivational speaker - this one's for you baby.)
First and foremost, I guess it's important to talk about the point of all this...
The past two years of my life have been an absolute roller coaster ride. And when I say roller coaster, I mean more like a roller coaster from hell -
Like the one that you regret getting on the second the employees come around and push your seat belt down, but at that point it's definitely too late to turn back because that would just cause a scene. The ride starts slowly going up, along with your anxiety, and you are up so high, at this point you're thinking "Ok... This isn't too bad"... then suddenly you're being thrown around like a figure skater on crack, going upside down and right side up 9 times through. Then, just when you think it's over, your cousin turns to you mid-drop to yell at you that this is where that one person fell out and died last year (true story, and no I obviously haven't been on a roller coaster since). If you've never had a bad roller coaster experience, you're one of the elite.
Anyways, I got on this roller coaster ride at the end of my freshman year of college. And it all started with my ex.
I swear it all started as a movie, I mean doesn't it always? Him and I were set up by our mutual friends to be dates to my upcoming sorority formal. Things clicked instantly. We hung out almost every day after and I was practically living in his one bedroom apartment to avoid my dorm at all costs. My birthday was a month or two later and that's the day he officially met all my friends. He held my drunk little hand all night as we bar hopped and danced around the bar district, and I remember that being one of the first signs of true affection I had ever received from him... probably a red flag at the time but I was young and I simply didn't care.
I don't remember everything from that night but I do remember this. It was such a little moment, but it was one of those moments that you had no idea was going to change everything... As we were standing outside around 2 am waiting on our Uber, he looked down at me with a smile on his face. "What?" I said (while probably falling drunkenly off my platform shoes). "I think I'm in love with you" he said.
And that was the beginning.
It would take a whole book to illustrate the pain I suffered in those two years following, but I will share some insight so we can get to the main point here.
I was under the impression that I was truly loved by a boy who stole my heart that night of my birthday. It was the same boy that even 6 months after telling me he loved me didn't want to call me his girlfriend because he just "wasn't ready for that". It was the same boy who stayed busy sexting other girls and begging them to come over to f*ck him late at night while I was asleep at home. I didn't find out until months later, but I called it quits immediately.
It was the same boy that broke my heart that day who said he asked his grandmother for the family ring to propose to me, because he just knew I was the girl he wanted to marry. I believed him. And I took him back. It was the same boy that cheated on me not even two months later. And just like that, we were done again - this time for months.
Our relationship went on like this for what seems like forever. I was being constantly broken by the same person who claimed they loved me the very most. And I haven't even begun with the anger issues. There was a night that I tried, and "tried" is the key word here, to break up with him after being fed up with the shitty treatment. He was supposed to be driving me home from dinner but instead, he blacked out from anger. It was at this point, when I was sitting in the passenger seat of his car, that I was truly scared for my life with him for the very first time. While he was driving at least 30 over the speed limit, punching his steering wheel, and yelling at the top of his lungs all the reasons why people hate me, I couldn't help but think this is what my life had come to... and I was convinced I'd never be able to escape. He finally pulled over to a gas station, hopped out and slammed the car door behind him without saying a word.
I ran. I literally, physically ran. I jumped out of the car with only my phone in hand, ran behind the random gas station, and kept running through this unknown and not too family-friendly neighborhood until I knew he wouldn't be able to find me if he tried.
Now, you would think this is where the relationship was done for good - and I wish it had been. But when people tell you how hard it is to escape toxic relationships, you really cannot comprehend it until you're in one yourself. It took multiple 911 calls, my family getting involved, a written restraining order, many tears and lots of self-doubt to finally be free.
"Free"... what a word.
Fast forward to Fall of 2019. This was only a few months after my ex and I had finally been out of communication - I met someone new. This man was almost everything my ex wasn't, and it was a breath of fresh air. We went to dinner one night and I was talking about something random when I realized he wasn't paying attention. Instinctively, I stopped talking about whatever it was I was sharing, and just went back to eating. He said "What?", and I said "Nothing, it wasn't important!". He looked me in the eyes and told me "Don't ever say that again. Anything you have to say is important, and you need to know that".
When I tell you those simple words instantly brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat... dude. My whole life I've believed that I just have 'one of those voices' that fade out, and cause people to stop listening, which makes it easy for people to talk over me. I've taught myself over time to not speak out as much because of this. People simply don't care about others as much as they care for themselves, and I had trained myself to accept that. Looking back now, I want to cry at the girl I was. At how little I loved myself because of what past interactions had taught me to believe.
In the end, this relationship (if you would call it that), hurt me a lot too. But in a much different way. Where my ex swore to me how much he cared for me, but never acted the same, this man showed me all the ways he cared for me, but never told me and never wanted to. He ended things with me a few months later at the same time that he told me he knew he loved me after 2 weeks of knowing me. That messed me up, a lot. At this point, and as someone who had always believed in the idea of true love, I felt as though there must be something wrong with me as to why I didn't deserve it myself.
This is where I want you to listen, because this is what it's all about. People talk about that "post breakup glow", because it's an important period of time where you're able to fully focus on yourself for the first time in a long time. People often start working out, eating better, and doing things that make them happy to find a way to take care of themselves alone again. This, after experiencing many relationships and many breakups over the past few years, was the first time in my whole life that I learned to love myself fully.
I had found my 'oomph'. And it was beautiful.
I started waking up at 6 a.m. every single day. (and I'm a night owl.) After all the years I've been telling myself I'm going to start eating healthier, I finally did. I would wake up, make a cup of hot green tea - I even replaced coffee... shocker - do my morning yoga on the outside patio (coming from someone who's never done yoga in their life), and continue to do my morning workout routine. I would read, journal, practice manifesting, drink 2 bottles of water before breakfast, make a deliciousss avocado toast sandwich and açaí bowl, do my morning skincare routine / get ready for the day, and THEN I would clock into work. Dude, it was the best freaking version of myself I'd ever been, and I LOVED it. I was looking good, my confidence grew, my self-appreciation sky rocketed, and I learned to love myself completely. That's so much more than it seems for someone who has always struggled to love themself.
Then, life got in the way for a bit - which it usually does. l got furloughed from work, sick with Coronavirus, moved to different city, and all kinds of little things in between. But that's not the point of this.
The point is this : You need to find ways to love yourself and the life you're living.
Not every day is going to be a good day, and that's okay.
You just have to do something every day that will make you happy, and one thing every day that will make you proud.
Put everyone and everything that is hurting you aside for a bit, and find your f*cking oomph. Find the thing that makes you wake up, look in the mirror, and feel so damn good about yourself. Even if it's not an instant change, you have to get up, and improve the quality of your life. This isn't about physical health (while that's obviously important), this is about the health of your mentality, and being happy with the life you're living NOW - because the shitty thing about life is you don't get time back.
Never stop growing. And never settle with a life you're not fully in love with. Because once you find your oomph... even the bad things will have a glimmer.
If you've made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read this - it means more than you know. I have a lot to say, and a lot of advice to share, so this is serving as an outlet for me to share those thoughts with anyone who may need to hear them too. This page will be all about finding yourself again, and meeting the version yourself you've always wanted to be. If you want to stay up to date on when my posts go live, please feel free to subscribe! I love you all & and I'm always here with an open ear if you ever need one ♡